Wednesday, June 2, 2010

To avoid getting shot (from 5-12-10)

Here a BTW to anyone who comes to my house. If it's 11am, and I am home alone with a 2 year old, and you pull up in the yard, not the driveway, but the actual yard, you get out with no shirt on, barefoot, and come to the front door, the one we don't use..the one without stairs..the one that is blocked off by a polka dotted planter, and you beat on said door for over 5 minutes, there is a very good chance these actions will get you shot. Now, if you want to come to the side door, where I park, where there is a porch, obviously to aid in getting to the door, I will consider answering the door. And not to stereotype, but I am pretty sure they are looking for my neighbor, and no, I do not know where he is since he was released from prison. If he doesn't answer his door, maybe he's watching you with a gun loaded as I am. Stay off my grass.

And now some friendly Jesus words....

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

-Author Carol Wimmer - Copyright 1988


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Archibald: Top 10 excuses for Vestavia Hills cops
By John Archibald -- The Birmingham News
May 12, 2010, 5:33AM
They're criminalizing my street Tweets, contributing to the delinquency of my digitally diligent digits.

They are, alas, immobilizing my mobile messaging.

It was inevitable, I suppose. Because the information superhighway became a real-life traffic hazard way back in the '90s, even before they stopped calling it the information superhighway.

Somebody had to do it.

It's now illegal -- or it will be when Mayor Butch Zaragoza signs on the dotted line in the next week or so -- to text while driving in Vestavia Hills.

No texting, no typing, no browsing the Internet for bargains or ... porn. Not while driving, at least. Failure to comply could cost you $100 a pop.

Can you hear me now?

I understand the dangers, I do. I've seen young ladies texting, weaving and putting on lipstick all at the same. I've seen grown men dialing, drinking and driving with their knees on U.S. 31.

It's dangerous.

More dangerous, even, that drinking while using a check card. Still, I'd like to know when they're they going to pass a law requiring breathalyzers on ATMs. Now that would be a public service.

As for texting while driving, I can only imagine the excuses the Vestavia officers will start to hear.

Sorry sir, but I was friending the mayor on Facebook.

Or ...

You have no jurisdiction here, officer. I started this text way back in Homewood.

There will be more excuses than a Bluetooth user has for talking to himself. I can hear them now:

Vestavia Hills? I thought this was Hoover!

Here, though, are the Top 10 Excuses a messaging motorist can give to Vestavia's keyboard cops:

10. I'm sorry officer, but I just panicked. I got a note on my phone that said Frank Matthews was following me ... on Twitter.

9. Whoops. I was just searching Google maps for a route around Vestavia Hills.

8. Oh officer, I'm just really worried. I drunk-texted my publisher last week and asked her to be my friend on Facebook. I just can't understand why I haven't heard anything back. Do you think it's a bad sign?

7. But officer. I wasn't texting. I was sexting. I thought you'd never get the message.

6. I was just updating my Facebook status. It says: Busted.

5. Please let me go officer. I simply must get to my hair appointment before my school board meeting. Oh, never mind. That only works in Hoover.

4. Sorry officer. I was paying my outstanding speeding tickets online.

3. Haha U got me. LOL! JK! ;-)

2. I wasn't texting, officer. I was looking at my GPS to find the nearest doughnut shop. I needed to report a crime and thought I'd find you there. I'm glad you found me first. Hey -- stop -- what are you doing?

And the No.1 excuse to give a Vestavia Hills Police Officer when caught in the act of texting at the wheel:

Sorry officer, I was just trying to read John Archibald's column on

On second thought, you'd be better off with the doughnuts.

John Archibald's column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write him at

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