Thursday, September 30, 2010

Worst Tattoo Customer Ever

This guy has a lot more patience than I would....

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Random Thoughts of People Our Age

I've seen this posted several places, and I always say I will share it, and I happen to StumbleUpon it, so here you go:

1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
8. Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first saw it.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
14. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
16. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
17. Was learning cursive really necessary?
18. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
20. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
21. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
23. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)...ummm...Goonies"
24. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
25. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
26. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
27. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
28. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
29. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
30. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
31. Bad decisions make good stories
32. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
33. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
34. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
35. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
36. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
37. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
38. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.
39. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
40. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
41. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
42. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
43. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
44. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
45. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
46. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
47. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
48. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
49. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
50. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
51. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
52. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
53. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
54. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.
55. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Written by the guys at

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

My life needs bubble wrap.

This has been the most insane day! I woke up, hot as Hades, because lately when the a/c compressor kicks off, the power in our bed/bathroom, the living room tv/cable box, the light over the stove, and the back porch light cut off. No breakers are tripped, inside or out. You want to know how we get the power back on? We turn on the stove. I can't make this up. No word on when this may get fixed, but for now, at night when it gets cooler, we turn off the air.
So I wake up hot, and can't open my left eye. I go to the (dark) bathroom, and see it's swollen, matted and covered in eye snot. Sexy. I cleaned it up and discovered I have a sty on the bottom of the upper lid. Luckily every time I blink, it feels like knives.
I was hot because the air had cut itself off, saying the filter needed replacing, which it did not, and it was clean. I was going to change it anyway, but the 5 filters that were tossed on top of the pantry did not fit. Why do we have them if they are unusable? I asked this also... So until 3:30pm there was no a/c. Finally it just cut on. **shakes my head**

So since it felt like New Delhi in Summer all over the house, I decided against using the oven, so I broke out the roaster I got for Christmas. Why I don't use this more, I have no idea. After spending no less than 15 minutes trying to figure out how to place the rack in it to put the chicken on, and it's simple as placing it handles up, I cursed a little. Rain Man could've figured it out faster. Scott told me 4 times "don't burn yourself", and 4 times I yelled "I am not retarded!!" Here is a picture of my burn...

(pay attention to the heater, keyboard, and glass in the background...)

So it's bedtime. I've made it this far without causing permanent damage to myself or material objects. I finally get in the bed, and oh yay, the power goes out. With the a/c already off. Not even going to think about that right now. Scott gets in bed, and I remember about these chips I tried yesterday that made me run like the time I was being chased by geese, to get water. (insert horrid childhood flashback here) He eats them, no problem. I offered him some Dt Mtn Dew, and he said "I'm not drinking that 3-day old sh**", which makes me laugh and spew it all over him, the sheets, the wall, and the keyboard. (I've been known to keep a bottle of water on my nightstand for a couple of days until I throw it out).
So after I cleaned up half the room, and blew the Mtn Dew out of my nose, it was Facebook/Pogo time!! yay. My day is almost over, and I am still intact. I get my Blackberry, my headphones, my non 3-day old Mtn Dew, and get all comfy in the recliner. I push it all the way back. Given my track record, this is not a good idea. I decide I need to stretch. Overzealous I was. I felt the chair starting to tip, and for a quick second I thought, "Lord, You can't be this funny". But yes. Next thing I know my legs are in the air, the laptop that WAS in my lap hit my lip, the drink poured on my shoulder, and my head hit the heater and keyboard on the side of the bed. Scott jumped up, and said "stop being retarded", and grabbed his laptop. Thanks honey. Glad you have priorities.

He had just lectured me before bed that I am electronically challenged, that every thing I touch breaks. He rocks back and forth whenever I use his laptop. Mine is still in ICU from me bumping into the shelf, which knocked a metal frame off of the wall and injured my laptop a couple of nights ago. I am still searching for the missing key. And the CD-ROM stopped working a while back. And the mouse. And the keys stick. And I spilled nail polish remover in it....

But on a happy note, Gain sent me a sample of their dish detergent. I have 4 bottles now...

SO anyway, I am going to bed shortly. I think it's best for everyone.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. ~Chili Davis

Lately I have been having "old people" issues. I am not talking about bed wetting or misjudging a fart, but I am starting to question "Am I too old to do this?"
The first time it happened, was when I went to my niece's school to pick her up, and a high school student called me "Maam". WHAT!!!! PLEASE TELL ME YOU WERE BEING POLITE!!!
Then, I went to see "Eclipse". I knew Scott didn't want to go, so I went during a weekday. At first I was the only person, and then a couple of grown folks came in, and right as the movie started, it was like Camp Rock in there. Not only did I feel awkward for sitting by myself eating smuggled in Taco Bell, I felt like "omg they're looking at me". I knew they weren't. But the thought hit me, "am I too old for Twilight?". (not that I care, the books are awesome-o)
Then, what got me to REALLY thinking is, I decided I wanted a very thin streak of pink in my hair. Why, I don't know, it's not really my thing, and not like me at all. It was just a random thought. When I mentioned it to Scott, he was all for it. He's all into the odd hair colors and stuff. When I had the "orange" episode last winter and was panicking, he kept telling me to leave it, that he liked it.
I said "it looks like a traffic cone!!". But I dyed it back, sad for him. Back to my story...I told (unnamed person)and she said "No.You're too old". Sigh. Nail in coffin. So then I started questioning everything. Should I NOT paint my nails blue, or red with white polka dots? Granted these are things most people wouldn't do at any age. It's just a quirky part deep inside me. I like to be different, but not too much to stand out.
Finally last year I stopped using Teen Spirit deodorant. I kept it around so long, I love how it smells! But I had a "what if someone sees me with it, they will think I am having a mid life crisis". Like the 40 year olds in the college bars. Or Matthew McConaughey in "Dazed and Confused". Rob Lowe in "St Elmo's Fire".
It isn't that I refuse to grow up, or want to live in the past. I accepted that I am a funsucker and have moved on. But certain things that I do, I just wonder. And let's not discuss my Dawson's Creek obsession, shall we?
One part of me says it's my life and I don't need to worry about what others think. But there is a tiny part that worries if people think I am "that" person who wants to remain a teenager. Yes, I still have my blocked heel Candies that I bought in '97. Yes, I still wear them. Even though my sister and mother say "oh no you're not!!" I listen to 90's rock, and still want to be and dress like Kelly Taylor.

I am still in love with Kat Stratford's character and want a pair of flip flops like her.

I suppose I am stuck in a time warp, the 90's are my happy place. I listen to Classic Rock stations now, because all the music I like it on there. I used to mock Scott for not listening to "music from this decade", and now he's all Top 40 and I have wandered to Rock 99 or KZBL :)
But as I sit here with my blue nails with silver tips, and black toenails with orange polka dots, I won't worry about it today.

At least I stopped wearing flannel shirts...

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. ~Author Unknown

The Black Barber Shop

I stumbled upon this, and laughed literally until everything started jiggling. Not sure why I related to this so much!!

I Got My Hair Cut at the Black Barber Shop
I couldn’t be much whiter. For example, I get my hair cut at Great Clips. For another, I do my best to pretend that I’m not the least bit racist.

My wife, Miss Sally, and I were surprised one Saturday morning when we pulled up to the local Great Clips and it was shut down. I really needed a haircut and remembered a barber shop around the corner in the strip mall, so we drove over there. I knew it had to be a barber shop because it said, “Donnie's Barber Salon” on the sign and there was a barber pole spinning thing on the outside. You can’t go wrong with the spinning blue, red and white pole.

We walked in and immediately noticed the lack of whiteness. The barber was black. The customer in the chair was black. The guy hanging out and reading a magazine in the other barber chair was black. We were getting paler by the second.

The magazine guy in the chair took one look at us and stood up. He apologized, “I don’t cut hair,” and sat in one of the waiting chairs. The barber said hello. I asked if I could get a haircut and he said yes. We sat down.

I made the decision not to leave. My instincts told me to leave, but I told my instincts to stuff it. I wasn’t going to let my ignorance get the better of me. I shouldn’t be worried about a hair cut from a black man. The guy was a barber and barbers cut hair. Hair is hair, right?

The Vibe magazine I picked up was at least six months old. I pretended to be interested in an article about P.Diddy. Miss Sally excused herself and went around the corner to the Rite-Aid.

Holy shit if cutting black guy’s hair doesn’t take forever. The barber was detailing the customer’s head with a determined precision. I think at one point he used a protractor to get top just so. This barber was good.

I had a Caucasian sigh of relief when another white guy walked in. He was a big dude with a definite brother charm. The guys in the barber shop warmly welcomed him. The not-barber stood up and gave the white guy a hand grasp which was then used as a man shield to fill the void between them when they did a quick hug. The white dude asked if he could get cleaned up. The man who wasn’t a barber suddenly remembered that he was actually a barber and had the guy sit in the second chair. I was just about to be offended when the amnesia struck, now a barber, black guy pulled out the clippers and took white guy’s hair down a sandpaper thickness with a few quick passes over his scalp. It was a shearing, not a haircut.

White guy left and I waited.

The barber finally finished up with his customer and called me over. I sat down in the chair and the barber asked me how I wanted to get my hair cut. I told him the standard, “#4 on the sides and scissor cut on top. I like to part my hair.” What happened next was a hair cut that can only be compared to the awkwardness of a one fingered teenage boy trying to open a bra for the first time. The barber got out his scissors and started cutting my hair on top first. This was new to me. The chicks at Great Clips use the trimmer first on the sides and then move to the scissors. There was a lot of clipping and pausing and more clipping. Of course, I wasn’t going to say anything. This guy was a barber. A professional.

At one point the barber moved around to the front and I noticed his hands. His hands were covered with hairs. Other men’s hairs. What looked to be the hair from 1,000 men. Little tiny bits of straight and curly black hairs. I think my white guy hair was repelled from his skin because there were none to be found.

Miss Sally returned to the barbershop with her purchases and sat down. I think she was amazed that I was still there. She had been gone about forty five minutes. She, too, feigned interest in P.Diddy.

The clippers came out, but only for a minute and then back to the scissoring. He started to get exasperated, combing my hair over and cutting. Stopping. Staring. Tentative cutting again. I finally stopped him and said, “That’s good. That’s fine.” The barber literally shrugged his shoulders and mumbled what sounded like an apology. I waited for him to remove the hair cloak from my neck when there was a clink of a bottle and two man hands rubbing my hair. I hadn’t asked for gel, but just wanted to get out of there and… wait… what’s that smell? Coconut? I reached up and felt my hair… it was oily and coconutty. Barber put coconut oily something in my hair. I’m not sure what the product is supposed to do, but if the bottle said “Pisses Off White Boys” then shit, it was working.

I stood up and looked in the mirror. I looked like a wet dog with a bad haircut. I paid him. He gave back my change and I held out $5 for a tip. He said, “No. You don’t have to.” I gritted a smile and said, “No, take it.” He did. We left.

I steamed silently the entire ride back home. Oily something dripped down my neck. I showered as soon as I stomped in the house. Small black hairs flecked the shower floor. We drove to the Great Clips across town. The lady asked if I had tried to cut my own hair.

Perhaps I should have better communicated with the barber about my concerns or directed him on how I wanted my hair cut. Or maybe he should have told me that he didn't cut white people hair. Neither one of us wanted to offend the other. Both of us ended up feeling foolish. Though I was the only one who looked foolish.


Here is the link to the guy's blog:

Monday, September 6, 2010

Thought for Sept. 5th (Happy Birthday to my mother!!)



Sent from my BlackBerry® Curve Smartphone
~Lisa Scarbrough Alexander