Friday, September 7, 2012

The "miracle" diet

I have never in my life went on a "diet". I know I don't have the willpower, so I never attempted. I have in the past few months stayed *near* 1700 calories a day, and walked 8 miles a week.
I found on Pinterest, a diet that was "clinically proven" to work. 3 days a week, eat only certain foods, and the other 4 days eat whatever you want, in moderation.

Day One of diet:

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice toast (no butter)
2 tablespoons peanut butter

I just put the peanut butter on a piece of wheat bread and downed it with water.
I held my nose and ate about 4 bites of grapefruit. I then tried to find the dog to lick its butt to get the taste out of my mouth.

Oh yeah. The hard part. Only water. Do you know how much caffeine I consume in one day? This is not going to end well.

1/2 can tuna
1 slice of toast

I just used prepackaged tuna that was a little less than half a can.

1/2 banana
1 cup of green beans
3 oz of meat
1 small apple
1 cup of vanilla ice cream

I ate 3 slices of packaged turkey (1 oz a slice)
I diced the apple and put sugar free vanilla ice cream on top, and microwaved it for 12 seconds. Delish.

I didn't cheat the entire day. I walked 2.4 miles.
My head hurts.

Day Two of Hell Diet:

At 1:30am my head was throbbing so bad, presumably from lack of caffeine, that all of the precious food I consumed came right back up.

Now I am super starving, with a headache, and my breath stinks.

1 egg
1 slice of toast
1/2 a banana

I ate a hard boiled egg, actually put the wheat bread in the toaster for about 45 seconds, and sucked down that banana like it was Surf and Turf.

Let me also bring up this point. I eat at work, because let's face it, the food there is delicious, and my two favorite things our lovely breakfast hostess makes are Bagel Toppers and Turkey Sausage.
What was for breakfast yesterday you might ask? Bagel Toppers.
And today? Turkey Sausage.
Also ABC showed a marathon of Church's Chicken commercials all flippin day.

I am starving.

1 cup of cottage cheese
5 Saltine crackers
1 hard boiled egg

Normally I would see this food and never give it a thought. Today I sucked down this glorious meal like it was a fajita and a Klondike Bar.

Someone just offered me a soda.

I bit their throat out.

2 hot dogs, no buns (they mean WEENIES)
1/2 cup carrots
1 cup of broccoli
1/2 banana
1/2 cup of vanilla ice cream

"Possibly the best meal I have eaten in my life" - No One

We didn't walk tonight, but I did mow the ditch and the front and side of our yard. According to, I burned 879 calories. If this is true, then I will never burn a measly 270 by walking 2 miles, and will open my own business mowing people's yard as long as they provide Diet Mtn Dew and Doritos. 879 calories burned for 75 minutes?

Did I mention my husband made hamburgers yesterday? I thought about licking the plastic that covered the ground beef, but chose otherwise.

I have spent the majority of this evening on Pinterest and various recipe sites with my mouth actually watering looking at dinner ideas.
This is my porn.

I did cheat today and ate a bite of cauliflower, and let me tell you, it was like a Triple Baconator in my mouth.

I am starving, and if I hear Scott open one more Dt Mtn Dew, I will tear his face off.

Tomorrow is the least amount of food yet. Maybe someone will drop a bean on the ground and I can imply the 3 second rule.
Day 3 of the "I going to sell my soul for corn" diet:

Well I did it. I survived these 3 days without murdering someone, getting fired, or getting divorced.

My attitude on life has improved so much in these 3 days:

5 Saltine crackers
1 slice of cheese
1 small apple

Shut up, I even ate the apple stem

1 hard boiled egg
1 slice of toast

1 cup of tuna
1/2 banana
1 cup of ice cream

I can't believe I am not dead.

The final weigh in?
7.2 pounds.
I was excited that I lost anything, for the sacrifice of caffeine.
I was also disappointed that it worked, and now I will have to keep doing it.
When I reach my goal, I will post the final results.
That is, if I am not dead or in jail from mood swings.

No comments: