Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My apologies to Shelby County, AL

What a wretched day! Now I am very thankful off all my blessings, don't get me wrong.
I took a nap yesterday, bad idea, so sleep didn't come to me until 6am. At 6:30 the alarm goes off, and I am up at at 'em. Slugs moved faster. Since the threat of rain and storms has been surmised, Jack stayed inside this morning.
I take my niece to school, with minimal showers, so when I got home, I felt it safe to take him out and let him run around.
Finally what I have been waiting for! I stripped down, put on a old tshirt and my red polka dotted booty shorts, that I never wear outside the bedroom, and crawled under the covers. It was divine!
I was almost asleep, when my phone alerted me. I put it on vibrate, and snuggled down deeper. Then I hear it. A freaking monsoon. Rain of Biblical proportions. I trot to the door, looking to the skies of some hope it may dry up and I won't have to go out there, but the poor dog was being drenched, and he's a wuss anyway. To be half English Bulldog, half Lab, at 150 lbs, stout as a Clydesdale, he's a big ol' baby.

I throw a pair of flip flops, and go out.

Let's talk about the Walnut Tree in the back yard. Around this time of year these things are everywhere, little death bombs lurking like ninjas. I have hurt my ankle no less than 3 times. If a lawnmower were to hit one of these things, it would be like Hiroshima.


These are in my direct path between the dog and the backdoor. I have slippery mud and holes from my friend, the armadillo, also in my path.
I know as soon as I get to him and put him on a leash, he is going to take off like a racehorse, pulling me through all of this. Even when it's a dry pretty day, it's a challenge getting him in without falling or dislocating a shoulder.

So I get to him, leash him, and make it all the way to the door in one piece, with water and mud in every unmentionable crevice. He's jumping up on me, ready to get inside.

I then notice the problem. The horror.
I am locked out.

Because my cat Luci is a whore, getting in and out of the back door is a challenge itself, making sure she doesn't get out to fornicate the local feral cats.
So when I ran out, I slammed the door to make sure it closed behind me. A bit too overzealous I might add.
I had no idea what to do. Even if I wasn't dressed like Strawberry Shortcake's Magical Carriage, this would still be bad. It's flooding, the dog is going berserk, and rainwater is making it's home in my crack.
I have no phone, no keys, and the car is locked. Every one I know within walking distance is not at home.
Luckily the Nissan that's parked in the driveway that I constantly complain about (because it doesn't run) wasn't locked. I put Jack in there and then figured out my next move. NO way was I going back through the mine field.

I went to the front door, KNOWING, it was deadlocked, but I had to try. I thought about the windows, but they all lock automatically. At this point, I am developing hypothermia in my crack. And not to mention this is 7:30-8am morning traffic and we live right off the highway.
Then I remembered the last time I was locked out. I could try the sliding glass doors. They've never been used as an entrance/exit, my father in law put the couch in front of them. That means, there are no stairs or stoop.
I put a lawn chair underneath, and even standing up in it, the living room floor was waist high to me. Let's face it- I am neither ninja nor acrobat. Coordination is my #1 enemy.
But despite the rain, the mud, the leaves, I climb.
I should probably take this moment to apologize to the Shelby County community for exposing my good girl to the morning school traffic. I know all that white flesh and polka dots was too much for one soul to bear so early on Hump Day.

And that screen door was ripped off and on the ground already.

(I'm lying)

I get in while pushing the couch forward, trying to keep all 4 cats from running out, and NOT falling out of the wet chair. I crawl in like Samara from The Ring, with water dripping behind me, I go straight to my bedroom and put on warm, dry clothes, and wrap my hair in a towel.

I grab the mop and broom and sweep up my mess. I put the couch back, and fixed a tall glass of Dt Mtn Dew. Life is restored.

Until I remembered the dog I left outside.

I had to go right back out in it.

Tomorrow he's staying out there. The Ark can pick him up.


Lisa said...

I might add the next morning I did go out to get him in the rain, and my flip flop slid and I fell in a mudhole. Mud in my teeth and blood running down my leg. Fantastic.

scodal said...

haha i love the way your brain works. from rain, to rain on dog, to lets talk about walnuts! lmao! same thing i think when i see acorns aka lawn mower bombs