Saturday, May 28, 2011

Yes, we're talking about you

Aside from a 6 year stint at a well known Home Improvement Store, I have worked in the hotel industry my entire adult life. I have met some of the most wonderful people, some who have impacted my life for the better, and some who made it unbearable.
I've seen people demand a free room because they didn't like the air freshener.
People that would steal any and everything that wasn't bolted down.
I had a woman tell me her husband was going to beat me to the *expletive* ground, unless I cooked her something different than what we had provided. (this was free food, by the way)
People who eyeball our "100% Satisfaction Guaranteed" sign like it was free cheese, then make up some reason as to why they were not satisfied. To them I say *expletive* You. Not to their face, of course, I like having a job. Those type of people make me sick, people who have nothing better to do in this world than complain. And that is ALL that it is, they just want to complain. I understand COMPLETELY if there is a legitimate reason. If you have dirty sheets, no towels, your tv doesn't work, a problem we can actually fix and that is our fault, I will go to no ends to make sure you leave happy. That is my job. If we can't fix the problem, we do not expect you to pay.
If your sink dripped all night and it kept you awake, did you call the desk to allow us to fix it? Did you try to change rooms? Was the sink REALLY leaking? Because when I went in there it was bone dry.
These are things I would like to enlighten the public about-

The reason check in time is at 3pm, is checkout is at 11. This means, the room has to be stripped, then cleaned. This takes between 30 min to an hour. Each housekeeper has, on an average, 10 rooms each. So 3pm, at check in time, your room will be ready.

This is why, lady who yelled at me this morning, you cannot check in at 9:30am.
A) Someone is in your room, they have until checkout to leave.
B) The room is not clean.
C) You're annoying me by showing up 5 1/2 hours early and being rude.

I understand you booked the room for today, but that does not mean it will be ready 6 hours early.

Same goes for late checkouts. The longer you are in the room, the longer the housekeeper is sitting around waiting for you to leave, the longer I have to sit and wait for you to leave, thus delaying me being able to balance my reports. If you *really* need to leave late, we don't mind, really. But we know when you're doing it just because you can. But no worries, after one hour, we're charging you more. Enjoy.

Our hotel operates at nearly 100% occupancy. People love us.

We do not have room service. If you want towels, a shower cap, BREAKFAST, all these things are available complimentary at the front desk. Come and get them.
If something is broken, or you are having trouble in the room, I will gladly come and check it out.
This also do not mean I intend to stay in the room with you. Don't disrespect me with nasty comments and for your safety, don't ever put your hands on me.

If I do come to your room in case of a problem, I do NOT want to see your penis, so even if it takes all the strength you have, please put on shorts. You can put on yesterday's dirty drawers for all I care. I don't want to see your junk.

Breakfast is from 6-10. AM. Our breakfast hostess is there every single day, she likes to go home on time.

Do not even ask for adjoining rooms.

Why yes, we do need to see your credit card to make sure it is indeed, yours. When you checkout at a department/grocery store, do you just give the cashier your card number? Didn't think so.

Why do we ask for a deposit when you pay cash? So you don't rob us blind, or say for example, throw a barbell from the gym through your 3rd floor window screen. It has nothing to do with your race, ethnic origin, or gender.

We have a reception Mon-Thur evenings. Most hotels do not do this for free. We offer hot snacks (i.e. Hot dogs, meat pies, lasagna, jambalaya), FREE beer, wine, and sodas, a veggie tray, and fresh baked cookies. If you don't like what we're serving, then move along. Don't complain about free food. This is something the hotel pays for out of pocket.

There are napkins AND tongs for you to get a cookie with, not your nasty bare hand. We see you on camera. Stop being nasty.

If you call to make a reservation, and we are booked up, do NOT ask "not even one room?" Why the $%^^ would I say we didn't have rooms if we DID! We are not retarded. Our job is to sell rooms. Don't ask "well what is going on?" either. We are awesome. End of story.

Knocking on the counter, when I can clearly see you. I know you're not blind. This will cause me to hex you.

Coming to breakfast barefoot in your nightgown. I know we're not the Plaza, but no one wants to see your crusty old toes or your saggy boobs. Put on some clothes.

No, on a random warm evening in March we are not going to open the pool for one day. It takes weeks to get it ready. FOR SUMMER. There are armadillos in there. Moving on...

AND Oh. My. God. I answer the telephone, "Thank you for calling *hotel* of *city*, this is Lisa, how may I help you?", only to hear, "is this the *name of hotel*?" Mofo where did you call??

I don't know why the rooms cost an arm and a leg. I understand when you stayed here in 1994 it was cheaper.

I understand our internet isn't as fast as you have at home. We have 74 rooms bouncing off of one router. At your home, I doubt it is that much traffic.

And this is the big one:
When you book a room through an outside site, such as the one William Shatner endorses, you don't actually save that much money. Like less than $6. And sites like that just grab a room from inventory, not the one you specified. So when you come to check in and you requested a nonsmoking king, and they booked you a smoking double, and unfortunately we are booked and have no other room to put you in, so it looks like we screwed up when in fact, this could have been avoided by just booking through the hotel directly. I assure you it is not worth it. Also, you pay them, not us, so if there is a problem we can't fix, we are unable to refund your money, because we never had it in the first place.

So there you have it.
Yes, we are watching you on camera.
Yes, we are talking about you.
Stop being an asshole.
Thank you, and have a great day.

I had to add this..just a taste of what we endure: